Falling in love can be the best and worst experience simultaneously. I said it when I looked at his sketchbooks, that I felt like I was going to burst (it was so overwhelming), vomit, cry, and laugh forever…all at the same time. It was a terrifying and wonderful experience. It’s like when you really lose yourself and relinquish control…you stop thinking and feel just in this dance or a flow with someone and anything might happen and it will be okay. It’s a lovely lesson.
In episode 30 of the show Louie, Louie meets Liz, this lovely pixie-esque bookseller who recovered from a carcinoma as a childhood illness. At the end of the episode, she takes Louie to the rooftop of a very tall building. She sits on the edge with one knee hanging over. Louie panics seeing her so close to the edge. Liz says to him, “You know why you’re scared? Because you think there’s a small chance you might jump. Because it would be so easy. And I’m not scared. I’m not scared anymore.” My interpretation of this scene is that Liz is sharing with Louie, who is sort of a tortured, self-loathing man, that it is possible to experience trusting yourself to take care of yourself, and to love yourself. There is no longer a fear of self-harm. And when you let go of that, the world is less scary.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was being chased by my shadow (I think it must have been something like the Jungian shadow, a dark figure who I feared). It was chasing me and I kept trying to get away and find a new place to hide. I crawled into this last little wooden door with a latch, and I just knew eventually it would catch up to me and find me. I latched the door gently and didn’t lock it. As I ascended the staircase, I saw the arm of my shadow reach around and unlatched the door. I was so, so scared. As it opened the door, I saw it…some dark figure, I think a man…but then it just faded and it was just like an awkward looking version of me. And yet, it was so soft and gentle. I really do not think it meant any hard. I think it just wanted me to let it in. It was just a dream, but since then I have felt really recharged.
I was very sick as a child, and the question of death did arise. This past summer I had another brush with death in a car accident. A trauma dream after the accident (of the accident), had me whispering to myself, “Please don’t die.” There are all of these times when I have thought I might die or was scared that I was going to die and not be good enough. But then I realized that I did not want to die, that I was not ready at all, and that I just cared so much about myself and my life despite all of my shortcomings and all of those times when I feel I am not the person that I could be and that I want to be. But that’s okay…because I am just getting started. It is not as easy as I thought it would be.
I have exceptionally high standards for myself. I have selected some of the most ambitious goals that I can even imagine. (I am trying to work on the “hard problem” in neuroscience, which is certainly named such for a reason!) I don’t give myself much of a break. I push myself to the limit a lot of the time. I over caffeinate myself. Determined, gritting my teeth, I just won’t let go or back down most of the time. And in the end, I have to make it happen…this goal that I set out for myself. I think that it’s worth it. But I wear myself down a lot.
So that’s why I do so much yoga. And why I at least try to meditate. I drink tons of water and eat really healthy. I slowly simmer my vegetables in coconut oil and spices, take long showers, use organic skin and haircare, and spend time with people who I love. Because otherwise I might just make myself sick.
I keep singing the song ‘Two Headed Boy’, being continuously addicted to Amanda Palmer’s cover of the song. I think Amanda Palmer is a hero of mine. I really like the metaphor of the song (despite the supposed Siamese twin embroyo references and holocaust references). I think it is an intensely sweet, romantic song.
I was going to sing the last verse to DB. I am still determined to sing it to someone, someday. I keep thinking that it had to work out this way, on a large scale. I think I had to experience losing something that I was so attached to. Because I don’t really love myself yet. I keep thinking of the line from Waking Life, “You haven’t really met yourself yet.” I’m not living the life of my dreams. I’m not devoting most of my energy to the things I really care about. But I am figuring it out 🙂